Long Islanders are preparing for Hurricane Irene. As locals prepare for the storm named after a one legged Asian child, a greater, more long term issue has arisen; the bragging rights of the people who actually stay on Long Island longer than the summer.
It's a quiet day on the streets of Suffolk County. Some people are still scared to come out of their homes after the Great Quake of 8/23/11 did as much as knock over 3 lawn chairs at these coveted, but rather tiny, I'm sorry, "quaint" properties. Others have stepped out though, out of pure will power. The need to pick up their "supermarket slip" disability checks early, allowed them to quell the fears of seeing their slightly altered lawns. One would think, that at 11:00am on a weekday, this normal local ritual would keep the streets busy, like any other morning here during the rest of the country's office hours. The lack of Walmart-savvy patrons on the streets is now said to be attributed to the quick exodus of the super rich and rarely-local celebrities.
As is tradition here on Long Island, the super rich and celebrities make two week trips from their main homes in California or on tropical islands... to the Hamptons. In light of the impeding hurricane, those trips have been cut short to just a week and a half. Shrines and mass prayer groups have gathered outside of a few homes here in South Hampton. You can see those without jobs or purposes standing in awe in front of the large, guarded gates of known celebrities, homes that are now vacant early. People who managed to get here in the morning are gaining some attention since they apparently seen the G6 private jets leave hours ago.
The consensus here is of worry and confusion. "How could they leave so early?" shouted somebody here. "I was going to actually stand 100 feet next to P-Diddy this weekend at the club." cried another. The local government has their own reasons to worry about this sudden exiting of celebrities. Supposedly much of the economy here comes from these brief visits by celebrities and they feel that this year's shrines and prayers might not bring them back again after the hurricane will devalue these once magnificent extra homes of the rich and famous.
We interviewed Karen Steinberg, a local realtor for her thoughts on this:
"I'm currently selling a few homes in western, central Suffolk. As you know, our main selling point for the $300,000 garages out there is written all over our ads." She takes out her iPad, which she couldn't stop talking about for 30 minutes before the interview, and proceeded to read allowed, and maybe a little too loud, the verbaige on her Realty webpage "'Yes, you are spending this much for mediocrity, but remember, on Long Island you can spend $2000 at a club to be less than a block away from a celebrity.'".
"How am I to sell a home worth only $80,000 for $300,000 when there are no celebrities here to justify it?" she then continued. "I might have to do the unthinkable, sell them for $250,000."
Our news crew then picked out Tony Vincent Lombardi, representing the local PBA union and their 100 members who came out here to one of the homes of Paris Hilton.
"I'm 35 and been off the force since I was 25. My pension helps me hire Mexicans to do my lawn during the week while I watch reruns of the Sopranos and go on dates with my mother during my wife's teaching hours. My bros on the force, as well as my wife's union need these celebrities. Without them, how can we justify our $80,000 pensions and tenure every year. Our motto every year is the tried true statement of Long Island, 'Yes, you are spending this much for mediocrity, but remember, on Long Island you can spend $2000 at a club to be less than a block away from a celebrity.' I fear property taxes might stop going up or even worse, go down in price. I'll then be forced to actually mow my own lawn."
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Nerves are tense here as Hurricane Irene inches closer. Will the celebrities return in light of this? Will the cost of living have to go down as a result of this work of nature? Like those standing in these crowds here, all we can is just make shrines out of celebrity-signed memorabilia and pray they return, to keep the way of life here the same, year after year.
